These past few days have been a real challenge for me. Applying for jobs that do not tug at my heart, and thinking about this other job in sales… I begin training this evening. I knock on doors, but none seem to open.

I begin to realize that when people loose their jobs, it is a terribly disheartening situation. How easy it is to get depressed. After the initial impetus to look for work, how easy it is to just give up–even when there is nothing coming in. Over-qualified, under-qualified, computer applications. Perhaps nothing drags down more than the lack of the personal element.

I realize that when I lived in Israel, every door the Lord opened for me contained that personal element. Someone knew what I could do and believed in me. Such amazing doors He opened too.

I will be truthful, I have wondered, if in leaving Israel, I somehow moved out of His blessing. A stupid way to think–I know that He led me to marry Rich and relocate here. But sometimes little thoughts can nag at you.

This morning our Internet connection crashed (I’m at the library typing now). Searching for info on how to get it going again, I found a letter I had saved, sent to me by a dear sister in Israel. She reminded me of how I had taught music to the children in our congregation, and how that had impacted her in growing up. She closed reminding me of what is written in Psalm 139:9-10

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea, 
 10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

As I read that text, all I could do is cry and recall ALL of God’s goodness to me in the past.

I do no pretend to understand His ways. I so struggle, wondering how to be the wife Rich needs, how to be the stepmother our girls need, how to be the woman God has called me to be. I feel like I fail so much of the time.

But my hope is not in myself. My hope is not in my cabapilities. My hope is in the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Today, I will meditate on those verses from Psalm 139, and on Psalm 42…

1 As the deer pants for the water brooks,
         So pants my soul for You, O God.
 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
         When shall I come and appear before God?
 3 My tears have been my food day and night,
         While they continually say to me,
         “Where is your God?”
 4 When I remember these things,
         I pour out my soul within me.
         For I used to go with the multitude;
         I went with them to the house of God,
         With the voice of joy and praise,
         With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast. 
 5 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
         And why are you disquieted within me?
         Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
         For the help of His countenance.
 6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
         Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
         And from the heights of Hermon,
         From the Hill Mizar.
 7 Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
         All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
 8 The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
         And in the night His song shall be with me—
         A prayer to the God of my life. 
 9 I will say to God my Rock,
         “Why have You forgotten me?
         Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
 10 As with a breaking of my bones,
         My enemies reproach me,
         While they say to me all day long,
         “Where is your God?” 
 11 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
         And why are you disquieted within me?
         Hope in God;
         For I shall yet praise Him,
         The help of my countenance and my God.