It has been a while since I’ve written. I know many of you  are waiting for news: what is happening, have I found work, will I stay in Israel? I thought about about writing many times. Oddly though, having started out so openly, I began to fear sharing this openly via such a public blog. I got side-tracked wondering what people will think. Silly actually, since I’ve shared so much without thinking twice about it. And so, I apologize to you.

The truth is, these past few weeks have been wonderful and hard, filled with joy and sorrow. New memories and working through old ones. On May 23, Rich and I would have been married legally for 4 years. Instead, I am walking a path I never wanted to choose. The way is not as clear as I’d like it to be. I have been looking for work, yet not as aggressively as perhaps I should have. Three different organizations have approached me, but only one seems to be coming up with a real offer. I have a third interview on Sunday (a regular workday here in Israel), this time with the human resources people. I will finally find out just what they are offering, and if I can support myself on that offer. Since it is a government position, the pay will be markedly lower than I could get in hi-tech… still, it may be enough.

As I’ve worked through this mix of feelings regarding that job, I realize it is because I once worked there when I first came to Israel in 1982. But working there as a nurse (many difficult memories) is not the same as being in charge of their English publications. Is that the reason for my mixed feelings? Or is it as crass as just wishing that life was easier?

I guess we all feel that way, don’t we? Regrets, sorrows, wishing we could do certain things over, wishing there was a detour in life that avoids the difficult points. Starting over is not easy. There is a saying in Israel, “All new beginnings are hard.”

And so this morning I found myself reading from I Cor. 1. Paul addresses the readers as “…those who have been sanctified in Christ Jesus, saints by calling, with all who in every place call upon the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours.”

Only God knows how much I struggle with a sense of failure and fight self-absorption… in the midst of these feelings of inadequacy, I am reminded again, that God has called me to be a Saint. Not a technical writer, but a Saint. He has cleansed me, forgiven me, and He is indeed my Lord…. so His calling is sure. That calling is then applied to everything else in my life, including my work as a technical writer.

Once again, I am reminded, this is not all about me, which is a good thing. Truthfully? I realized today that sometimes I am afraid of God. With Job, I find myself saying, “that which I feared has come upon me.” And I do not understand God at all.

But with the Psalmist, I can also say (bold emphasis is mine):

“Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. Yet the LORD will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life… Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.” (Psalms 42:7–11 KJV)

So as I walk this path, I realize I am in good company. I continue to pray, “Lord, not my will, but yours be done,” and yes, I may at times fear Him, and I certainly don’t understand Him, but I will Hope in Him.