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How Can I Pray for You?

12
Apr
2012
Category: Dvora, Scripture Meditations  Tags: , ,  4 Comments

I would be lying if I were to say everything is fine and all is a bed of roses. I realized at last night’s prayer meeting that we so often pray for each other at the surface level.  I was challenged as we read Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:16:

…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being…

Strengthened in our inner being… not our flesh, not our intellects, but our inner being, the essence of who we are. But to ask for prayer for that from others admits a certain vulnerability. I have rarely attended a prayer meeting where someone said, “Pray for me, I’m battling an addiction to computer games,” or “Pray for me, I’m still struggling with grief and its so hard for me to function on a daily basis,” or “Pray for me, despite all my friends, I am so lonely…”

To ask for prayer at that level places me at a terrible level of vulnerability. It opens me up to criticism, it opens me up to unwanted advice, it opens me up to Job’s friends. Maybe that is why we never really ask for prayer for what we really need. Yes, we ask for prayer for healing, but we don’t talk about the fears that plague us, the doubts that nag at us, or at the sin that crouches at our heels.

As I have thought and meditated on this, I realize that when I deny my weakness and vulnerability I build a wall that separates me from others and worse, separates me from God. I am ultimately accountable to God, but with no one knowing my struggles and challenges, there is the temptation to act like something I’m not: strong, independent, spiritual.

The truth couldn’t be more different. I am weak. I am dependent. I strive for real spirituality but hide from God at the first hint of my own weakness. As though I will ever be good enough. And so, in hiding from others, I lose sight of my true hope based on the truth of the gospel, which is this: I am hopeless. I am a failure. I am a terrible sinner, and I am a rebel—without Jesus. But my Savior, Jesus, paid the price for me. And my hope and my victory is based in the reality of who HE is and what HE has done, not what I have done. I will never be good enough, but HIS shed blood will always be sufficient. That is the real message of Passover, the Feast of Unleavened Bread, and Easter: Messiah died, Messiah is risen, to deliver us from the Egypt in our souls (And isn’t that what the desert was about? The children of Israel left physical Egypt only to discover that Egypt was enshrined in their souls).

And he says we are to strengthen and encourage each other. So, my dear friends and readers, lets really pray for each other. Because when we are weak, HE is strong, and HIS faithfulness is the basis of the only real hope we have.

And then there are Answered Prayers – Hallelujah!

07
Aug
2009
Category: Dvora, Life in Michigan  Tags: , , , , ,  One Comment

God is so very good. Thank you for your prayers. I just received a phone call: I have the contract job. Formally, it will be for one month, starting on Aug. 20 or 21 (like the day after Rich and I return from our time out West with Layla and Jon)… but unofficially, the work needed will take longer. The person who interviewed me also said, “If you do well and people like what you do, we like to hire good people…”

The interview was amazing. I was brought into a lovely room, completely set up with my file open, in front of the lady interviewing me. I saw that my resume was in the folder with a lot of items noted, underlined, and high lighted. She looked at and then looked at me, and said, “Well, you must be very proud of yourself.”

I was surprised by the statement and how she said it, it was like a challenged. Without even thinking, I smiled, looked her straight in the eyes, and said, “No, I’m thankful. I’ve had so many opportunities, learned so much, and all I can say is I’m thankful, very very thankful.”

She fell back in her chair and had a surprised look on her face. “Well, that certainly is a different take on things.”

So we talked, she told me more about the company and the project, and even how I would handle things, and what equipment/software I would need. The clincher was the portfolio that I had brought with me. She looked through it all, and spoke about how what I had done for others was what her department needed.

When I left, I was so excited and encouraged, especially since she had promised I would hear the next day. And in deed, just an hour ago, I received the call. I will be meeting with the agency on Monday or Tuesday to finalize the paperwork.

There is more to pray for. The work will be with a huge international company, and apparently, from all I’ve heard, getting in with them is often a first step towards being hired, and they keep people until they retire. In addition, this is one of the few companies untouched by recession. So I am praying that the Lord in His goodness would cause this work to transition to full-time permanent.

In the meanwhile, please keep me in prayer. I have been asked to continue with the Internet-based contract work, which is 20 hours a week. I hope to do this evenings and weekends, since for now, officially, the new work is only for one month.  I will need HIS strength to be able to do it all… but Rich and I see this as HIS good provision.

O Thank YOU Jesus! May the Lord get all the glory!

Hope Deferred and Longings Fulfilled

13
May
2009
Category: Dvora, Family, Israel, Life in Michigan  Tags: , , , , , , ,  2 Comments

This morning I was reading in Proverbs 13 and read, once again, a verse that has been a heart cry to me for years…

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree a life.  (Proverbs 13:12)

I remember many years ago weeping over that verse as I wondered if the longings of my heart would ever be fulfilled. Today, as  I read that verse, I was overwhelmed with reminders of God’s goodness to me in the past, and yes, today.

I suppose my silence on this blog has been mostly due to not really knowing what to say. This past winter has been a time, when, as the Psalmist wrote, “All Thy waves and Thy breakers are come over me…” Hopelessness has knocked on my door more times than I can count, and I have had to slam the door in its face and say over and over, “No, I will not give up – I will NOT!”

Easier said than done. Yet, in the past few weeks there have been amazing breakthroughs. Like the melting of winter snow and the slow coming of spring. Spring in Michigan is not like spring in Israel. In Israel, all it takes is a bit of rain, and the riot of color is sudden. Poppies, calaniot, and trees become a riot of red, blue, purple, orange, and green. But in Michigan, spring is slower. Snow and frost can take you by surprise when least expected. I had forgotten about Magnolia trees that flower first, and then bring out leaves. I had forgotten about crocusses and daffodils daring to risk the chill air before spring is truly here. I had forgotten that the trees are barren, barren, barren. No leaf, seemingly no life, and all is stark and bear, and hopeless.

Even when the first buds appear on the trees, you are not quite sure to believe it or not. They are so subtle. The thing is, that once they do appear, large enough to see from more than close-up, their growth can not be stopped. Suddenly spring rushes in, depsite late frost. But it takes at least two weeks before you can say the leaves are out. Those two weeks are full of hints of what will be, as are the sprouting crocuses and daffodils. But after so much snow… it is still hard to believe. Faith and hope wrestle with memories of barren stark icy cold.

I think that has been my state for the past few weeks. There have been indications that things are changing, but I’ve been so afraid to say, “Yes, they are changing, things ARE better.” For fear that the progress would be ripped from my hands leaving me more forlorn than before. Time to let go of childish things… time to say, “Yes, and Hallelujah.” Perhaps I understand “doubting” Thomas all too well. I wonder if perhaps we have misnamed him. Perhaps it was not doubt that tore at him, but fear, fear to let the joy of hope swell through his being and then be shattered by an illusion.

I now have three concurrent contract jobs, all of which I can do at home. This morning I got a call from a company here in Michigan that wants my help for an installation manual. But for me, that is the leaves sprouting… perhaps the nicest thing has been that there is also a thaw in the attitudes of my step-daughters. I’m watching our oldest grow and mature, in the Lord, and in relating with me in a healthy and fun manner. I am watching our youngest struggle, but every now and then when she is not aware I’m looking, I see her smile at something I say or do. We are family, and the word family has such a strange taste in my mouth… I am not yet used to the flavor, but I know, despite the struggles and heartaches, I like it.

We are still waiting for news about Rich’s disability application. He still has up and down days… but I remain thankful for God bringing him into my life. I remember, during my single days, looking at myself, and realizing that there were areas of my life that needed to change. I felt helpless, because I knew they were there, but did not know how to face them. Being married has been making see myself in a whole new way… and opened my eyes to those things that I knew were there, but had no reason to face.

Pruning.

Autumn is the time for pruning, here in Michigan. And so the Lord pruned me when I was laid off in October. Now, my prayer is, “O Lord, help me to be faithful to You, and thank you. Thank you for renewed hope, answers to prayer, and for your goodness which is new every morning. Truly, great is your faithfulness.”

What is REALLY Going On?

20
Mar
2009
Category: Dvora, Life in Michigan  Tags: , , , , , ,  One Comment

…. or… Why am I being pushed out of technical writing?

As we face today’s economy, a lot of us are looking for work. Some are doing quite well, others are muddling along, and others  (like myself) are looking at a completely different change in work options since nothing else has appeared.

I was at a professional meeting a few weeks ago and discussing an online job that I had done (creation of online Help for proprietary software). One of my acquaintances asked me what I had charged for the project. I had gotten around $20/hour… they were shocked and said they would never have taken the job for that rate. On the other hand, I had mentioned to a friend that via some online sites, there were lots of tech writing jobs that I could do, but I was not willing to work for $5 an hour (bidding against an international market really does lower your rates). She implied that I was too proud to do anything.

I thought about that and so I took a bid on one of these sites to do an ad for $10 – long story short, I ended the project without getting paid, after learning that the client really wanted me to do several ads for entry in a competition where they would win a prize! Unbelievable.

I’ve done my research. I know there are people successfully working via websites like Elance and Guru… what I find terribly frustrating is that every single one of these sites requires a massive time input in taking tests, reposting your resume in a thousand different ways, fees for testing in areas that you should not have to test on (I believe), if you can show quality work samples and provide excellent references.

At a recent seminar I attended, talking with people, and reading articles, I have heard people saying over and over, “It is not WHAT you know, but WHO you know.” In other words, in today’s job market, our qualifications are no longer important. If you do not have the right connections, it simply will not matter.

What really stunned me, most recently, was when a recruiter at an agency recently told me, “There are plenty of jobs out there. If you really wanted to work, you would be working. You just aren’t trying hard enough.” So how many hundreds of applications and resumes does one have to send out?

I thought maybe the problem was my resume. Some great people on a technical writing newsgroup helped me to make a resume I could feel confident about. I have learned to rewrite my resume for every position I apply to, working on massaging those key words… but to no avail…

I have given professional presentations that were well accepted. I just had an article published in a professional newsletter.

Yet over and over, the message I receive back from other recruiting agencies is the following statement, “I know you can do this job, I know you have the qualifications, but the client wants XXXX, and this is not in your resume, so they will not look at you.” I had gotten a call from one agency and was hopeful… they could not even call me back… but they had told me from the beginning, “you don’t have the specific experience the client wants, but we know that you could excel at this job…”

I even tried applying for the job of a secretary– would you believe they told me I had “no experience” so they were not interested?!

I’ve found myself begging agencies to look at me… that has not gone over well. So I go post resumes, and vacillate between up and down. Yesterday, I saw an ad that has been reposted for a position that has been advertised on and off since last year. I called an agency that I am working with (at least they think I have something to give). They feel that I could definately do the job, but they know that I will be underpaid for it. I tallked it over with Rich and decided to go ahead and apply – even though it will mean over 2 hours driving a day, plus work. At least it would be an income.

Rich is not confident… I don’t know what to think anymore. Why can’t I find a job with a salary? What is REALLY going no here? And as I write this… the thought comes to me… where is GOD in all this?

A few days ago I got extremely upset about the whole issue and had a long talk with our Pastor. He suggested that perhaps I’m trying to handle everything in my own strength… and as I think about it, I’m reminded, only God can change a person’s heart. He is the one who can sway the hearts of Kings, or hiring agents, or government agencies.

I have mentione I’m looking into a different type of work and have already earned my Life Insurance state license to be working in this field. It is the ONLY door the Lord has opened.

How I am railing against it… I’ve mentioned it in passing in some of my previous posts… would you believe… there is someone in the comany and in his 20 years with the company, he has earned over 8 million dollars!?

Its not a scheme or a scam. The work is real (and its hard work), but the work also helps families. I alreay have 2 clients, and am seeing how this work really will help them. So what is my problem? Why am I resisting this so hard? In my head I know that this can be good… but… but..

but it leaves me totally and utterly dependent on the Lord in a way I have not had to depend on Him in, well, in years… If HE does not bring me the clients… no income… if HE does not enable me to do this work, no income… if HE does not help me to learn very difficult and challenging financial and mathematical concepts… no income…

And when I look at my ranting and raving about job searches and trying to do other work… is it possible that HE is the one shutting the doors? He is the one pushing me in this direction?

I don’t know if I’ll get the job in Kalamazoo… part of me really wants it, part of me really does not want it… but I have not looked at the real issue… what does my LORD want of me?

So this is my prayer… and I want to go on record with it, so that I am held accountable before the Lord for it… Lord Jesus – I want YOUR will in my life. I KNOW it was YOU leading me here to be Rich’s wife and I am thankful for that. And now I see that You want me to trust you more deeply yet… for our income, for work, for you to position us where You want us… Lord, please don’t let me get any job other than the job You have for me, which will be for my best good, for the good of my family, and bring glory to You.

What is really going on? Lord, You are in charge, not me… all I can do is once more bow my head in worship and thanks, that You are worthy to be trusted.

Like the knight in warfare, I have been thrown down from my horse, armor rent from my head, and the lance is at my throat. The ONE I fight says, “dost ye yield?” If I yield, I live, but my life is His forever… but wasn’t that what I did so long ago when I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my life? It seems like the rest of life, is a series of deeper yieldings to my Lord who has already spared my life.

“Dost ye yield?”

“Yes Lord… I yield.”

Struggles and Attitude

12
Feb
2009
Category: Dvora, Family, Life in Michigan  Tags: , , , , , ,  2 Comments

Seeing the poster, “Attitude is Everything” has always been interesting to me. I have realized it intellectually. But these past few days, I’m realizing it in a newer way – in reality. I talked with a friend of mine in Israel this morning. I needed to get some professional info from her. As we wound up the talk she said, “we are all very concerned about your situation.”

I think I surprised her–I know I surprised me with my response. I told her, “If it was only Rich and I, you should be concerned. But rather, be concerned for America. Compared to many others, he and I are doing well. At least I’m training for a new job. At least we have no credit card debt.”

And I shared with her things I’ve been learning. How a colleague wrote and mentioned that he was laid off, and they are at the end of their savings. He can’t find work. Now what does he do? Our Pastor urged members to give to the benevolent fund in our church. It has gone dry from helping others. In fact, when I first lost work the Pastor asked if we needed help. Rich and I told him, “Not yet. We still have some savings…”

The mortgage company’s offer of help is laughable. They are willing to let us miss a few payments (they have to evaluate how many). Then we have to begin repaying the mortgage PLUS the missed payments within a defined amount of time. So we can just have a bit of relief now, to experience major stress later. Rich and I will apply, if for no reason than to be able to document the whole experience. Can you believe it? The bank calls the place where we have to apply, “Hope Department.”

Sorry Countrywide Insurance. That is not hope. You were given millions of dollars to help you clients, but instead, you are buying small banks, and offering to help others in a way that makes sure that they pay for any so-called “help” you give. That is not hope and that is not help. That is taking advantage of desperate people in desperate times.

O thank GOD, that my GOD is the God of the universe. And that is where attitude comes in. As I’ve considered everything that has happened since I met Rich and we married, I realize that God has answered my prayer. I knew I needed stretched in so many areas of my life. I was tired of being alone. Through our marriage, God has been showing me so much. So much where I need to ask His forgiveness, so much where I need to grow, so much about HIS power in our weakness.

This posting is my public Valentine’s Day present, a few days early, to my husband. I am so not sorry that we got married. I am so not sorry that I am here. I am so very grateful to God for all He is doing in our lives. Are we struggling? Yes. Do we get discouraged? Yes. Does it hurt? O yes. Are there tears? Definitely.

BUT God is greater than all of this. He is with us through the struggles and through the trials. He has promised to meet our needs, not our wants. In His graciousness, He gives so much more than we realize.

And how can Rich and I encourage others who are struggling, if we have not faced those struggles. I don’t want an intellectual exercise. I want reality. And God is giving us reality.

So what is going to happen? I don’t know. I do know that we have enough for today. And isn’t that what Jesus told us? “Take no thought for tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough concerns of its own…”

Today, I have to finish up this posting. Today, I have some work on a small project to do. Today, I need to do the dishes. Today, I need to wrap some gifts. Today, I need to prepare for my class which begins in a few hours. Today, I am thankful to my God that He is God and I am not. That He is the one who is truly in charge and in control. And I am thankful for the life He has given me, here in Michigan with my husband and his kids (my step-kids).

P.S. For those of you who are interested. I just put up a new page about how Rich and I met. We wrote it together. Enjoy.

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