Debbie, it is your fifth anniversary on Wednesday May 23^rd…

As I walked to work, I thought, not just about my own sorrow, but that of others I know. A dear friend’s husband is in hospital, and she too is not well. Another friend lost her sister (and my best friend) only two months after Rich died. Another friend has struggled with desperate situations ever since coming to Israel—over 20 years ago.

I suppose you could sum up our feelings and grief with another word… Disappointment. And disappointment makes us afraid to hope again, because we don’t want to be disappointed again. In my disappointment, I’m reminded of Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Disappointment is a part of life. There will always be something we hoped for that is not fulfilled. Whether something small like a broken antique, or big, like more time with someone we love.

Times like this, I would be lying to say I no longer grieve. Walking through this grief, I find the grief is for far more than Rich. I grieve him, Israel, the US, family, parents, work, friends… Sometimes it’s overwhelming.

At times like this I, and all struggling with disappointment need to be reminded of where our real and solid hope is: In a loving God who is working in us and pointing us to a hope that does not disappoint because it is founded in Him and His character. With that hope as my anchor, I find the grace to stand.

No problem, the administrative assistant to my boss has an extra key. But no, she didn’t. She handed me three piles of keys to try. I went through them all, several times. I finally found the key to the office next to mine, which has a connecting door. So, I was able to get into the office, turn on my computer, and discover I was late for a meeting (late to work, time spent looking for key…), and so the day progressed. And I don’t know how many people wanted to discuss things with me. I had to keep unlocking the office next to mine to let people in.

Finally, the other woman I share the office with arrived… she had a key… and I was able to get in and out of the office without difficulty.

But it made me realize… we cannot live our lives on borrowed keys or side doors. And the circuitous route I had to travel to get in the office… What if I lived my life like that? What if my relationship with God was like that?

So the busy lost key day also makes me thankful for a direct relationship with God my Savior… and the best part is, I can’t lose Him because HE will never let me go!

Jerusalem
23 April 2012

As the mountains surround
Jerusalem…
Not Guilin with exotic peaks spiking upward
or curled like a half-moon embedded in earth.
Not Pennsylvania’s rolling heights heavy with dark
too early
Not Colorado’s majestic beauty with snowed peaks
cooling off the heated summer day.

Jerusalem

mountains enclose like an embrace
caressing eyes with muted greens and
desert browns.
Forcing legs to exert, destination ever in sight
Heights not hidden from mortal eyes
Nor made mysterious by fog.

Clear, tall power hidden in sensuous curves
surprising joys nestled
in each hidden crevice
flowering unexpectedly
invading the mundane.

Jerusalem,

Safety assured with heaven’s promise
sealed in the thrill
of canary’s song.

So, in two weeks I’ll be having plastic surgery which will fix my eye sight, and also change how I look. My first thought as I considered this was, I wish it was that easy spiritually – a change of spiritual sight, and viola, I look completely different and am able to see completely differently.  Then I realized ahh, but I have to be willing to submit to the surgeon’s knife.

A lot of the times its easier to submit to a human surgeon than it is to God. But sadly, we’d rather pay a surgeon than accept God’s interference in our lives for free, because He paid the bill through the blood of Jesus. I don’t need to wait for insurance coverage, or contribute to the co-pay… because Jesus paid it all.

So as I consider the battles of life, everything from attitude to the things I’ve left undone that I should have done, I realize again, that I need to be as persistent in running to God to heal my heart and soul, and change me from the inside out, as I’ve been persistent in seeking a solution to the discomfort in my eyelids.

Now the phrase “the blink of an eye,” has new meaning for me. Not only am I reminded of my hope in Jesus’ soon return. I am also reminded to be persistent in looking to Him for my daily hope, my daily encouragement, my daily strength to have eyes to see, and to follow—Him!

…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being…

Strengthened in our inner being… not our flesh, not our intellects, but our inner being, the essence of who we are. But to ask for prayer for that from others admits a certain vulnerability. I have rarely attended a prayer meeting where someone said, “Pray for me, I’m battling an addiction to computer games,” or “Pray for me, I’m still struggling with grief and its so hard for me to function on a daily basis,” or “Pray for me, despite all my friends, I am so lonely…”

To ask for prayer at that level places me at a terrible level of vulnerability. It opens me up to criticism, it opens me up to unwanted advice, it opens me up to Job’s friends. Maybe that is why we never really ask for prayer for what we really need. Yes, we ask for prayer for healing, but we don’t talk about the fears that plague us, the doubts that nag at us, or at the sin that crouches at our heels.

As I have thought and meditated on this, I realize that when I deny my weakness and vulnerability I build a wall that separates me from others and worse, separates me from God. I am ultimately accountable to God, but with no one knowing my struggles and challenges, there is the temptation to act like something I’m not: strong, independent, spiritual.

The truth couldn’t be more different. I am weak. I am dependent. I strive for real spirituality but hide from God at the first hint of my own weakness. As though I will ever be good enough. And so, in hiding from others, I lose sight of my true hope based on the truth of the gospel, which is this: I am hopeless. I am a failure. I am a terrible sinner, and I am a rebel—without Jesus. But my Savior, Jesus, paid the price for me. And my hope and my victory is based in the reality of who HE is and what HE has done, not what I have done. I will never be good enough, but HIS shed blood will always be sufficient. That is the real message of Passover, the Feast of Unleavened Bread, and Easter: Messiah died, Messiah is risen, to deliver us from the Egypt in our souls (And isn’t that what the desert was about? The children of Israel left physical Egypt only to discover that Egypt was enshrined in their souls).

And he says we are to strengthen and encourage each other. So, my dear friends and readers, lets really pray for each other. Because when we are weak, HE is strong, and HIS faithfulness is the basis of the only real hope we have.