Well, this is my third Thanksgiving in Michigan. My first one here was rushed, hectic, noisy, chaotic, and nice (except for when Guay puked on our bed and we had to go to a laundromat at 11 pm on Thanksgiving to clean the sheets). My second Thanksgiving was a bit more laid back and cold!

This Thanksgiving seems like tradition has set in. The menu was easy to decide upon. I sat with Andrea and we talked about what we “usually” do and decided what would be enough and who is fixing what. I’ve started the preparations, the shopping is done, most of the family will be here… and I’m looking forward to a special day of giving thanks and being thankful for God’s goodness to us.

I keep saying I’m going to write more, and then I never do. Seems like it’s jumps and spurts. I want to keep this site going and get more information on it as well. I just seem to get sidetracked. Don’t know that anyone is really interested in my writing, but I’ll be adding a new collection of short stories (if you are interested). If you enjoy the stories (or any of my other writings on the site), please leave a donation as an encouragement for me to keep writing.

As far as the rest of life, I’m still looking for full-time work, but very thankful for the two small jobs I have right now via ODesk.com. I was on their top 25 technical writers for the month of October and hopeful this will bring me more clients needing quality documentation.

I applied for a job here in Michigan. They would be interested in me, if I was willing to work for slightly more than minimum wage. But I make more on Odesk than that salary would have paid–and would have been twice as busy and working twice as hard!

But this is Michigan:

• There are 10 states in the US facing bankruptcy. Michigan is one of them.
• While national unemployment is at 10.1% (Oct. 2009), Michigan has the highest unemployment rate in the US at 15.1%. This rate does not include people who no longer qualify for unemployment benefits or never qualified for them.
• In October 2009, Michigan reported the highest increase in unemployment (hey, I get to contribute to the November statistic, what will it be?)

Data taken from United States Bureau of Labor Statistics

So why am I thankful and for what?

I am thankful for:

• The God of creation who is my God, and my Lord and my Savior Yeshua HaMashiach
• The amazing salvation I have in Yeshua
• Promises from God that no one can take away
• A wonderful husband who loves God and loves me
• This very special family where God has planted me
• That each month, despite the ups and downs, we’ve been able to pay our bills

I was reading in my Bible this morning and realized that I had not thought a lot about one very special promise from Yeshua.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matt: 11:28-29

I realized as I reread this that it is not rest for my body, but rest for my soul that I need. Elsewhere, we are encouraged not to be anxious for anything, but to bring all our requests to our Father in heaven. (Phil. 4:6). God promises to meet ALL our needs, but He still wants to hear ALL our requests. And as I lay these in His hands, I do indeed find peace for my soul.

This world challenges our hope. It seeks to choke it out. But for those of us who have placed our hope in the Creator of the Universe, we have an anchor to hang on to in every storm. Our hope cannot be moved because HE cannot be moved.

Blessed Thanksgiving to you all!

This morning I was reading in Proverbs 13 and read, once again, a verse that has been a heart cry to me for years…

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree a life.  (Proverbs 13:12)

I remember many years ago weeping over that verse as I wondered if the longings of my heart would ever be fulfilled. Today, as  I read that verse, I was overwhelmed with reminders of God’s goodness to me in the past, and yes, today.

I suppose my silence on this blog has been mostly due to not really knowing what to say. This past winter has been a time, when, as the Psalmist wrote, “All Thy waves and Thy breakers are come over me…” Hopelessness has knocked on my door more times than I can count, and I have had to slam the door in its face and say over and over, “No, I will not give up – I will NOT!”

Easier said than done. Yet, in the past few weeks there have been amazing breakthroughs. Like the melting of winter snow and the slow coming of spring. Spring in Michigan is not like spring in Israel. In Israel, all it takes is a bit of rain, and the riot of color is sudden. Poppies, calaniot, and trees become a riot of red, blue, purple, orange, and green. But in Michigan, spring is slower. Snow and frost can take you by surprise when least expected. I had forgotten about Magnolia trees that flower first, and then bring out leaves. I had forgotten about crocusses and daffodils daring to risk the chill air before spring is truly here. I had forgotten that the trees are barren, barren, barren. No leaf, seemingly no life, and all is stark and bear, and hopeless.

Even when the first buds appear on the trees, you are not quite sure to believe it or not. They are so subtle. The thing is, that once they do appear, large enough to see from more than close-up, their growth can not be stopped. Suddenly spring rushes in, depsite late frost. But it takes at least two weeks before you can say the leaves are out. Those two weeks are full of hints of what will be, as are the sprouting crocuses and daffodils. But after so much snow… it is still hard to believe. Faith and hope wrestle with memories of barren stark icy cold.

I think that has been my state for the past few weeks. There have been indications that things are changing, but I’ve been so afraid to say, “Yes, they are changing, things ARE better.” For fear that the progress would be ripped from my hands leaving me more forlorn than before. Time to let go of childish things… time to say, “Yes, and Hallelujah.” Perhaps I understand “doubting” Thomas all too well. I wonder if perhaps we have misnamed him. Perhaps it was not doubt that tore at him, but fear, fear to let the joy of hope swell through his being and then be shattered by an illusion.

I now have three concurrent contract jobs, all of which I can do at home. This morning I got a call from a company here in Michigan that wants my help for an installation manual. But for me, that is the leaves sprouting… perhaps the nicest thing has been that there is also a thaw in the attitudes of my step-daughters. I’m watching our oldest grow and mature, in the Lord, and in relating with me in a healthy and fun manner. I am watching our youngest struggle, but every now and then when she is not aware I’m looking, I see her smile at something I say or do. We are family, and the word family has such a strange taste in my mouth… I am not yet used to the flavor, but I know, despite the struggles and heartaches, I like it.

We are still waiting for news about Rich’s disability application. He still has up and down days… but I remain thankful for God bringing him into my life. I remember, during my single days, looking at myself, and realizing that there were areas of my life that needed to change. I felt helpless, because I knew they were there, but did not know how to face them. Being married has been making see myself in a whole new way… and opened my eyes to those things that I knew were there, but had no reason to face.

Pruning.

Autumn is the time for pruning, here in Michigan. And so the Lord pruned me when I was laid off in October. Now, my prayer is, “O Lord, help me to be faithful to You, and thank you. Thank you for renewed hope, answers to prayer, and for your goodness which is new every morning. Truly, great is your faithfulness.”

I finally took the time to upload some new photos. Enjoy!

My wonderful huband…

Spring Thaw 2009

The Game of Spoons

…. or… Why am I being pushed out of technical writing?

As we face today’s economy, a lot of us are looking for work. Some are doing quite well, others are muddling along, and others  (like myself) are looking at a completely different change in work options since nothing else has appeared.

I was at a professional meeting a few weeks ago and discussing an online job that I had done (creation of online Help for proprietary software). One of my acquaintances asked me what I had charged for the project. I had gotten around $20/hour… they were shocked and said they would never have taken the job for that rate. On the other hand, I had mentioned to a friend that via some online sites, there were lots of tech writing jobs that I could do, but I was not willing to work for $5 an hour (bidding against an international market really does lower your rates). She implied that I was too proud to do anything.

I thought about that and so I took a bid on one of these sites to do an ad for $10 – long story short, I ended the project without getting paid, after learning that the client really wanted me to do several ads for entry in a competition where they would win a prize! Unbelievable.

I’ve done my research. I know there are people successfully working via websites like Elance and Guru… what I find terribly frustrating is that every single one of these sites requires a massive time input in taking tests, reposting your resume in a thousand different ways, fees for testing in areas that you should not have to test on (I believe), if you can show quality work samples and provide excellent references.

At a recent seminar I attended, talking with people, and reading articles, I have heard people saying over and over, “It is not WHAT you know, but WHO you know.” In other words, in today’s job market, our qualifications are no longer important. If you do not have the right connections, it simply will not matter.

What really stunned me, most recently, was when a recruiter at an agency recently told me, “There are plenty of jobs out there. If you really wanted to work, you would be working. You just aren’t trying hard enough.” So how many hundreds of applications and resumes does one have to send out?

I thought maybe the problem was my resume. Some great people on a technical writing newsgroup helped me to make a resume I could feel confident about. I have learned to rewrite my resume for every position I apply to, working on massaging those key words… but to no avail…

I have given professional presentations that were well accepted. I just had an article published in a professional newsletter.

Yet over and over, the message I receive back from other recruiting agencies is the following statement, “I know you can do this job, I know you have the qualifications, but the client wants XXXX, and this is not in your resume, so they will not look at you.” I had gotten a call from one agency and was hopeful… they could not even call me back… but they had told me from the beginning, “you don’t have the specific experience the client wants, but we know that you could excel at this job…”

I even tried applying for the job of a secretary– would you believe they told me I had “no experience” so they were not interested?!

I’ve found myself begging agencies to look at me… that has not gone over well. So I go post resumes, and vacillate between up and down. Yesterday, I saw an ad that has been reposted for a position that has been advertised on and off since last year. I called an agency that I am working with (at least they think I have something to give). They feel that I could definately do the job, but they know that I will be underpaid for it. I tallked it over with Rich and decided to go ahead and apply – even though it will mean over 2 hours driving a day, plus work. At least it would be an income.

Rich is not confident… I don’t know what to think anymore. Why can’t I find a job with a salary? What is REALLY going no here? And as I write this… the thought comes to me… where is GOD in all this?

A few days ago I got extremely upset about the whole issue and had a long talk with our Pastor. He suggested that perhaps I’m trying to handle everything in my own strength… and as I think about it, I’m reminded, only God can change a person’s heart. He is the one who can sway the hearts of Kings, or hiring agents, or government agencies.

I have mentione I’m looking into a different type of work and have already earned my Life Insurance state license to be working in this field. It is the ONLY door the Lord has opened.

How I am railing against it… I’ve mentioned it in passing in some of my previous posts… would you believe… there is someone in the comany and in his 20 years with the company, he has earned over 8 million dollars!?

Its not a scheme or a scam. The work is real (and its hard work), but the work also helps families. I alreay have 2 clients, and am seeing how this work really will help them. So what is my problem? Why am I resisting this so hard? In my head I know that this can be good… but… but..

but it leaves me totally and utterly dependent on the Lord in a way I have not had to depend on Him in, well, in years… If HE does not bring me the clients… no income… if HE does not enable me to do this work, no income… if HE does not help me to learn very difficult and challenging financial and mathematical concepts… no income…

And when I look at my ranting and raving about job searches and trying to do other work… is it possible that HE is the one shutting the doors? He is the one pushing me in this direction?

I don’t know if I’ll get the job in Kalamazoo… part of me really wants it, part of me really does not want it… but I have not looked at the real issue… what does my LORD want of me?

So this is my prayer… and I want to go on record with it, so that I am held accountable before the Lord for it… Lord Jesus – I want YOUR will in my life. I KNOW it was YOU leading me here to be Rich’s wife and I am thankful for that. And now I see that You want me to trust you more deeply yet… for our income, for work, for you to position us where You want us… Lord, please don’t let me get any job other than the job You have for me, which will be for my best good, for the good of my family, and bring glory to You.

What is really going on? Lord, You are in charge, not me… all I can do is once more bow my head in worship and thanks, that You are worthy to be trusted.

Like the knight in warfare, I have been thrown down from my horse, armor rent from my head, and the lance is at my throat. The ONE I fight says, “dost ye yield?” If I yield, I live, but my life is His forever… but wasn’t that what I did so long ago when I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my life? It seems like the rest of life, is a series of deeper yieldings to my Lord who has already spared my life.

“Dost ye yield?”

“Yes Lord… I yield.”

So, yesterday was Rich’s birthday.  I had asked him what he would like for dinner, and he said he hadn’t had web burritos in a long time. I was like, “what are those?” He was kind enough to find a recipe on cooks.com for “Grand Rapids Wet Burritos.”

The ingredients were simple enough, but I was sure glad that Andrea helped me. Otherwise I’d have been wrapping food into soft tortilla shells for at least an hour! The end of the story, the burritos were great, and all were happy.

Phil came for Rich’s birthday as well. He gave him a great sweater and also a warm vest, both much needed. A good fit. Also a copy of the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, with the comment, “Of course it all may become obsolete the way the government is going.” All the others also had special gifts for Rich. I could tell it made him feel good. He needed to know how much people care for him.

So, I learned to make wet Burritos. One of Rich’s gifts was a bunch of nice games for everything from 1 to 6 players. We played Chinese Checkers. I had not played that since I was a kid. His older son, Lloyd, won (I think in revenge for me forgetting his birthday on Tuesday, even though it was on Monday).

Once everyone went home, I showed Rich how to use Facebook, from a perspective he could appreciate.  And so ended Thursday.

Today, the job hunt continues, I need to finish up a couple of projects for some clients, and then try to do some straightening up around the house.

My emotions move from up to down and back again. Sometimes my feelings of hope are the same. It may seem crazy, but when I see Rich happy, things feel a lot more hopeful.

He has a doctor appointment on Monday. I pray for wiscom and insight to help him improve.