During the night, Rich wanted to talk. He has indicated that he is not sure he has made the right decision. At this point in time he does not want to stop the respirator. He is not sure he agrees with the doctor, and if there is any chance he can recover, he wants to live.

At first, when I learned this, I was thrown for a loop – but as I think about it – this sounds like my husband. Listening to the doctor, processing, and now coming back with his own thoughts and questions. He has indeed proven doctors wrong in the past. He needs a lot more information to make the right decision… and at this point, it is indeed his decision.

One of the doctors was in and said he was not surprised, and will do all he can to support Rich in his decision making process. Several of the kids are here now and we are sitting, visiting, waiting for Rich to wake up. He is sleeping soundly right now.

We continue to pray, trust the Lord, and rest in His word.

“Having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end.” John 13:1.
“What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.” John 13:7.
“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me.” John 14:1.

I am so thankful for these verses that a friend sent to me today. They comfort my heart as nothing else does. There is so much that I simply do not understand. But I don’t need to. I have a father in heaven who understands all.

Today we had a family meeting with the doctors. Truthfully, it did not go the way I expected. I thought that the doctor would begin by explaining everything to the family, and asking the family to ask questions. However, the dynamic also was different because Rich had indicated that he too wanted to be in the meeting. Which was right and good. Rich and I had talked earlier about his condition. Talked is a difficult word. I asked him questions, and he answered with yes or no, using his eyes. Looking up was Yes, looking down was no. Through those signs we talked about his stroke, and he understood what is wrong, his chances for recovery. We also were able to read some scripture and pray together.

The meeting began with the doctor conducting a full neuro exam on Rich. That exam revealed several things. He has feeling in all his extremities. To the doctor’s surprise, Rich can barely move his left leg in response to pain. There is no voluntary movement of his face, head, neck, arms. He can feel pain, and he was very able to answer all of the doctor’s questions. The doctor then explained to Rich what the MRI and other tests had revealed about his stroke; which parts of the brain  were damaged, that the damage was due to loss of oxygen, meaning that neurons are dead – and dead neurons do not regenerate. She went on to explain what locked in syndrome is and how in his case, he can at least communicate with his eyes. She didn’t really say there were options. She said that if he was left on the respirator, after a few weeks, there would be a good chance he could breathe on his own.

Life like that would mean being cared for in this condition, until he died, perhaps of heart failure or an infection. She stressed that she is not God, but that based on what they understand, this is how it looked. He will not regain any other significant function. The alternative she offered is to take him off the respirator now, or whenever he asks, but the sooner the better, and to make sure that he is very comfortable. If he can still breathe, care would be on a hospice level to make him as comfortable as possible until he died. The question, do you want taken off the respirator now?

Even I was not prepared for that. No one had told me that would be the option being offered. I was under the impression they were going to try to wean him off the respirator. Not offer to take him off now and see what happens.

She asked Rich what he wanted. He clearly indicated he wants taken off the respirator. The doctor asked a series of questions to find out when. When is after he has had a chance to say good bye to all of his family, and we have had a chance to be with him, talk with him, and say goodbye. There is family coming up from New Jersey to see Rich on Monday… so Rich wants to wait at least until then.

All of us were quite taken by surprise. His brother was understandably upset and had the guts to ask the questions no one else did. Yet at the same time, it is allowing everything to take its natural course. And when they remove the respirator, he just may breathe on his own. I have only known Rich for three years. In that time, I know how much he hates drugs, medications, hospitals, and striving to extend life at all costs when it is clearly time to let go. I also know that with all his heart, he believes that if he is supposed to live, he will, and nothing can change that. As is written in Psalm 139:16…

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

It doesn’t say some, or part, but all. Still, this is a lot to take in. I know my husband longs to be with His Lord. He does not want to live like this. And we cannot live in the ICU for the rest of our lives. I found out later that if he did chose to remain on the respirator, that option could lead to him being placed in an institute in Detroit or out of state. There are very few beds for respirator patients in Michigan. The doctor had not told Rich that part… but I know he would have found that impossible….

Pray for our children and his brothers and sister. This has been very hard on all of them. Yet I am thankful that we have time to talk with Rich and to have valuable time with him. Pray for God to give grace and strength to Rich’s children… this is a dark vale for them, and while I can pray, encourage, and love them, each one must pass it alone.

I will keep you advised as we see how things go.

Conversations with doctors and nurses, yesterday, and again this morning, focus on the moral and ethical issues that we are facing in Rich’s care. The path between playing God and “Inshallah” (fatalistic view of If God wills).

The path between playing God and doing nothing. Choices. Medications, tracheotomy, life support, feeding tubes, or letting go, and if so, how…

This morning, I have been reading in John 14 and 15. Over and over Jesus promises another Helper, His presence, and a promise that whatsoever we ask, He will do that the Father be glorified. In Romans 8, I am reminded that I don’t always know what to ask, and that the spirit prays with groans after the will of God.

When I was a nurse, over 25 years ago now, I struggled with these ethical and moral dilemmas as a caregiver. How much more as the person to whom the medical staff are turning and asking, how do you want to proceed? What do you want to do?

Rich is in pain. They give him a mild sedative and a pain medication which, in combination help him to sleep. It takes all of his effort, when he is awake to communicate with his eyes. His pneumonia is worse and they may need to do a bronchoscopy. Humanly and medically speaking, Rich’s condition is hopeless. One of the doctors and I talked this morning about the issues we face. He admitted that this is difficult. “But,” he pointed out, “if you are looking for an answer, where is it? He is alive only because of the treatment he is receiving now.”

Is that playing God? And if not, when IS it playing God. I believe that God has given us these technologies to help people, but, as the doctor I was just talking with pointed out, “Yes, these technologies are amazing – but they are a two-edged sword.”

As I ramble I am reminded of another two-edged sword. The word of God, which is “…quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

As I read John 14 &15, what do I ask of my Lord? Lord, raise Rich up. Bring healing to his body. Raise him up. And then I am drawn to remember what happened after John 14 and I see Jesus in Gethsemane, pleading with His father to take this cup from His hands. But Jesus adds, “nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done.”

I do not want to have to make these difficult decisions. As I consider them all, I also pray, “Lord, take these decisions out of my hands.” And HE knows what I mean by this, either heal Rich or…

But for now, Rich is with us and I will rejoice in every moment I still have with me this precious man who is my husband. I will be thankful for every chance the Lord is giving for our family to talk with Rich and bring healing to relationships. I will encourage Rich in this Fight of Faith, until we see which healing the Lord grants to Him – healing here, or healing in one of the mansions Jesus is preparing for him.

Thank you Jesus, that you are with us, and especially that You are with Rich in this hour. Hold Rich to yourself dear Lord, and guide us in your paths. Amen and Amen.

Firstly, thank you all for your notes, emails, phone calls, thoughts, and prayers.

Rich has been able to communicate yes and no by blinking his eyes. I was able to go home for a few hours this afternoon and get around 4 hours sleep, hope to get some sleep shortly, but wanted to keep you updated. This update, I’d like to share with you the Daily Light Reading that Rich and I had together before they gave him his pain medication. His eyes opened quite wide at some of the verses, and when I asked, he did indeed wanted me to read it again to him. I do believe that this compilation of verses were a real encouragement to us both. May they also be to you as well.
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July 28, Evening
Evening
Let your requests be made known unto God.

Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt. There was given to me a thorn in the flesh. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities.

I poured out my complaint before him; I shewed before him my trouble.
Hannah … was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. And she vowed a vow and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and … wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life. The LORD remembered her.

We know not what we should pray for as we ought. He shall choose our inheritance for us.

Phil. 4:6; Mark 14:36; 2 Cor. 12:7-9; Ps. 142:2; 1 Sam. 1:9-11, 19; Rom. 8:26; Ps. 47:4

It was a long night. Around 5 am they did a chest X-ray so I had to leave the room. That was when I wrote my previous entry this morning.

When I came back into his room and said his name, his eyes popped open without the typical flickering. For a few minutes he really fought to keep his eyes open and his eyes looked and looked at me, so I talked with him about the really important things and reminded him that we are in God’s hands. A few minutes later, his eyes seemed to lose focus and return to the typical flickering that the doctors say is a reflex.

Afterwards the nurse did some treatments, then I read some verses to him and sang some songs. He seemed to fall asleep. The flickering stopped and his eyes seem to be closed in good rest. His temperature has dropped to 100.3.

We continue to wait on the Lord.