My daughter-in-law had some extra tickets to the baseball game tonight… so I thought… OK, I can’t focus, not getting work done, and I don’t want to be home alone again, moping and being by myself, so, what the heck? Called a friend, she happened to be free, and I found myself at my first ever live baseball game. Turns out my friend had never been to one of these games either… and tomorrow is her birthday… so it worked out perfectly for both of us. I was glad she could be blessed as well.

We had amazing seats in a reserved section, with a great view of everything. I was glad to root for the home team because their uniforms were blue and white, which reminded me of Israel. So even though the team (Whitecaps) lost, it was still fun. Since it was the last home game of the season, they ended with fireworks… and those reminded me of the races Rich and I went to on July 4th… he always loved the races. I found them pretty interesting, but noisy. I wouldn’t mind going to another race – but somehow I don’t think I’ll enjoy the car races as much without him. Rich loved car racing and somehow, I think I was seeing the race through his eyes, as he would explain about the drivers, the skill, their training, the engines, what the differences were between the cars and races… and just plain laughing at the silliness like trashcan bowling and school buses racing each other. As I watched the fireworks, I remembered the last race we went to, the different music, the closeness we had… wiped away a few tears, and was so thankful for so many good memories. The one thing I really liked about the races, more than baseballl, was that the races always open with prayer… that amazed me and I thought it was pretty special.

Still, it was nice to discover that I like baseball, even though I kept hoping for a hole in one (you, know, where the batter hits the ball and it gets caught and its an out) and a touchdown (where the person on third base reaches home without being out). Sadly, the opposing team got a check mate, with the score 13 to 7 to finish…

The girls were working there tonight, but in a crowd of over 5,000 people, I did not see them. (They both work in the concession stands selling food). So overall, a nice evening was had by all. And I discovered there may be some sports I enjoy watching. Now to find one I enjoy doing, but that is another story…

When I was a kid, oh, around 13 or 14, just after my father died, my mother and I had been out visiting friends. We had not listened to the weather report. But when at our friends, we learned of a hurricane headed our way, and so we headed home. We had the rare experience of driving home in the eye of the hurricane. It was a weird experience. We could hear the wind. We could see it lashing in the distance around us. We saw the dark clouds in the surrounding distance. But immediately above us, all was clear… it was so strange. We got home safely – and if I recall correctly, I saw blue sky, and we got home dry.

My mother thanked God, and I thought, “storm? What storm?”

During the night we heard the raging winds and beating rains. In the morning we looked outside to see the havoc wreaked by the storm. A damaged roof, a felled tree… to the best of our knowledge, our house was the only one in the neighborhood not damaged by the storm. God took care of my recently widowed mother, and me.

Tonight I received encouraging words from so many friends at church, and then a phone call from a friend with whom I worked in Israel. As I sit here now and consider the amazing people God has brought into my life, I realize that in many ways, that God, and my friends are the eye of a hurricane to me. While the storm rages about me, the storm of grief and sorrow and unanswered questions, the tears that come unexpectedly… I have a foundation in my creator who has surrounded me with a wall of friends.

I am stunned at how many people are in my life as more than casual acquaintances. In Hebrew we have two words for friends, ‘yadidim’ and ‘chaverim’ – the latter word is the closest relationship, but ‘yadidim’ also has a relational quality to it, just not as close as ‘chaverim’ – Although there is ‘yadid nefesh’ – a friend of the soul – which usually is only God.

I have a yadid nefesh in my creator, and am surrounded with yadidim and chaverim from many parts of my life – from my past in the States, my years in Israel, colleagues from work and my professional organization, and people whom I am still getting to know here in the States, as well as my own new family that Rich gave me.

All the money in the world cannot buy the friends I have been blessed with. I am not worthy of these friends. Oh, what they have put up with from me. I do not know why I have been so blessed. But I am so very blessed. In this storm of loss, truly I am in the eye of the hurricane of grief. My loss is great – yes. The storm is there. I will not minimize our loss. But I am so blessed and so thankful for the good memories as well, and thankful for each of you, encouraging me in your way, whether by visits, email, phone calls, or prayers that I will never know about until I too have made the journey to my final home.

And so, this evening, although I am still missing my husband, and wish I could share these thoughts with him too, I am so very thankful. First, for my Lord and Savior who will never give up on me, and holds me in His hands, and second, for all the wonderful people He has brought into my life.

Amen.

So many have written to me lately… between emails and cards, I feel surrounded by so many sharing in my, in our grief.

It has been hard to think about writing for a while. As long as hope is challenged, and hope overcomes, there is something positive to say. But how do I write about grief? Does grief negate my ultimate hope? No – it does not. Yet hope shudders under the wracking sobs as I realize with each new day and each new night, Rich is no longer here for me. And while I know he is alive with his Lord… right now I so miss him. To share things with, to talk to, to just sit with… and sometimes we even cried together. Praying together…

At our wedding we sang the words of Psalm 139:11-17. At his funeral, when I sang “Who Am I,” I read those words again, with particular emphasis on these:

In your book were written ALL the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.

As I sit here crying, I also realize that God knew what would happen when He, in His goodness brought Rich and I together. We barely had three years together; hardly enough time to get to know each other. And clamoring at my ears, dogging my footsteps, are the mundanities of every day life which cannot be avoided. Cleaning, shopping, relating to people on an every day basis. Working through my grief and praying desperately for God to give me wisdom for how I can be a blessing to our girls and the rest of the family. I need to get back to work… both to generate income for our family as well as to just keep my mind focused on other things.

Instead, I am having to complete paperwork, check documents, and then catch myself going through old letters that Rich once wrote to me. And realizing anew why I fell in love with him. He was all I ever wanted in a man – He loved God and he loved me. And all I can tell you is that I was never disappointed with the man I was blessed to be married to. It seemed like life was so much easier to face when we did it together, trusting our Lord together as well.

It seems like our society does not know how to handle grief well. Grief must be limited to particular containers: immediate sorrow, a funeral, a graveside service – but not when sitting in a restaurant ordering something your loved one would have ordered, just to remember; not when shopping in a store, remembering how many times you called to get an opinion on that sale or this, or walked an aisle together and saw something you just knew the girls would like – lets get this for them. Not when talking with people, and for no reason at all, a phrase reminds you of someone and you just want to weep.

I am told that it will all pass with time. Of course it does. I grieved the loss of my parents, and while I still have moments when I miss them, the sharpness of their loss has dulled to an occasional muscle throb when the weather is just right. But this loss? This grief? It amazes me that even now, I find that my husband had words of wisdom to help me through this too. He just didn’t know that they would be for me.

Scattered throughout his letters are things he was learning as he grieved the loss of his first wife. Scattered through his desk, notes and papers from the Widowed Persons Support group offering information, thoughts, ideas that were particularly meaningful to him.

As for other mundanities, I really wanted to share his funeral with you but am having trouble uploading the sound files to the Internet. Once I do, you’ll be able to listen to the things others had to share… I did sing at his funeral and that too was recorded.

I will keep writing, I know you want to know how things are going… and I will make every effort to be honest in what I share. Now, as the tears are drying, I will try to focus and get some work done.

In HIS Grace….

The past couple of days are so long. It seems every direction I turn, I miss Rich. I find myself smiling at a special memory, and then crying just as quickly a few minutes later. Went to make breakfast, and realized I missed asking him what he’d like me to make for him this morning. It seemed whatever I gave him, from yogurt to a poached egg on toast, he would always smile, and say, “That is just want I needed, thank you.” Every time…

So now, trying to do errands, phone calls, paper work, and get back into my contract work. A friend was speaking with me a bit ago and shared with me this hymn. I’d never heard it before. I found the words to be comforting, hope you enjoy them too.

Immortal honors rest on Jesus’ head;
My God, my portion, and my Living Bread;
In Him I live, upon Him cast my care;
He saves from death, destruction, and despair.

He is my Refuge in each deep distress;
The Lord my strength and glorious righteousness;
Through floods and flames He leads me safely on,
And daily makes His sovereign goodness known.

My every need He richly will supply;
Nor will His mercy ever let me die;
In Him there dwells a treasure all divine,
And matchless grace has made that treasure mine.

O that my soul could love and praise Him more,
His beauties trace, His majesty adore;
Live near His heart, upon His bosom lean;
Obey His voice, and all His will esteem.

By William Gadsby

The Holland Sentinel had another article about Rich on the front page of Sunday’s paper. I’ve uploaded it here for you to read.

On another note, several people have asked me if I am going to keep writing here. The answer is yes. I just ask that you be patient. The next few days are going to be quite busy, and I am also going to be getting back to work this week. I’ve been journaling in long hand, but am hoping to have something to post soon.

For now, thank you all for your prayers and notes. I think the time after the funeral, once all the visitors stop coming, is probably the most difficult. The silence in our home begins to sink in. I once wrote a poem about my father, but a line in that poem is equally applicable to Rich…

Your absence is a real presence in my life…

Don’t forget to pray for Rich’s kids as well. They have lost their mother and father in a space of four years. Pray that I will be the support and encouragement to them that they need as well. Tonight in church we sang the song “It is well with my soul”, which we also sang at the graveside service.

Amen and Amen.